We need to know when not to use these softeners because it will undermine our credibility.įinally, if men learned to purposefully use more verbal softeners, perhaps the world would be in better shape as there might be more compromise and less need to win at all costs. Rather than becoming self-critical (as we were socialized to speak this way), women can use their excellent relational skills purposefully and intentionally to manage difficult conversations. Importantly, women AND men both use these softeners (in speech and in emails), but data show that women tend to do so reflexively and automatically, whereas men tend only to do it when they are unsure of themselves. This way of talking tends to imply subordination to others. Verbal softeners (such as “just,” “actually,” “does that make sense?”) can undermine how powerfully we come across as women. Similarly, although being direct is a strength, we need to know when to be patient or to soften our approach, or we may be perceived as abrasive. Overused empathy can be a weakness leading you to put others’ needs over your own. So if tuning into others’ needs is your strength, use it mindfully for courageous conversations. Even a strength overused can be a weakness. Your Strengths Are Your Superpowers) Know your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. As women, we need to learn to harness the EQ skills we excel at to manage tough conversations (tuning into and managing others’ needs, feelings, and behaviors through EQ). Caring about the relationship in this instance becomes a strength instead of a weakness. Women, in particular, excel at awareness of others’ emotions and needs and in pursuing the “win-win” in relationships. Studies show that over 98% of successful leaders have high EQ and women outperform men in some crucial aspects of EQ. EQ can boost our efficacy in courageous conversations and help us to use our natural gifts and strengths. So What’s a Woman to Do? 1) Use your emotional intelligence For example, data reliably show that when women try to negotiate their salary or ask for a raise, they are viewed more negatively (by both men and women) than when a man does the same thing. Many of these biases are unconscious, meaning that people are unaware (or even deny) that they have them. Because women are socialized to be “nice,” assertive women tend to be viewed negatively by men AND by other women. If we expect women to be unassertive, then men and women may react negatively when women speak up. While on an individual level, we may differ from the cultural stereotype, differences between most men and most women contribute to expectations that persist in our culture and that affect us all. Many studies, in fact, show that girls are socialized to “be nice” while boys are socialized to “speak up.” However, research also shows that when girls are given choices in their families and encouraged to speak their minds, they are more likely to be direct and to worry less about being excessively polite. Therefore, we should focus on what is in our power and control! We know that socialization influences how the brain develops for boys and girls and also that biology is NOT destiny. Gender Differences in Socialization Contribute to Difficulty in Courageous Conversationsĭifferences in communication between men and women have “biopsychosocial” roots. In volunteer organizations, people disappear. Sometimes a whole team or organization (or even a marriage) may head down a wrong track because someone doesn’t speak up, voice the unpopular point of view, or address “the elephant in the room.” Moreover, unvoiced concerns turn into resentment, bitterness, and disengagement. While we do not get what we want each time we address an issue, failing to speak our minds is a sure-fire way not to get what we want. When we avoid difficult conversations, we don’t take risks needed for success. Fear of losing emotional control (especially of crying when angry)Īvoiding Courageous Conversations Can Hold You Back.Fear of being wrong or of not knowing enough.Fear of saying the wrong thing or saying it the wrong way (as if there were a perfect way to say anything).Some reasons that I have heard women give for this include:

Many women find such “courageous conversations” challenging. Typical examples include handling conflict, confronting a co-worker, expressing an unpopular idea on a team, asking for a favor, saying no to a request for a favor, asking for a raise, or trying to have a conversation with someone who is avoiding you. We need courage in many different kinds of conversations.

Having courageous conversations at work